It has been quite a while since I have had the nerve to sit down and write. There has been so many changes in my life. No more parents (dad passed Sept 12, 2012); the list of men has dwindled, but there were new players (we will change the names to protect the innocent); and I believe I have a new love interest. Whew! I got a lot to talk about yall.
Well -- I originally wanted to title this post "How I became a man". I was talking with my friend from Los Angeles (Toni), and complaining about the way our lives have turned out. We are both long time phone company employees. We both were/are single mothers. We both have an adult daughter, and one child at home - 12 and 14 years apart. We both own our own homes. We both had the same career path (operators, to service rep, to trainer, to management).
Toni and I are so similar in so many great things. We also have similar failures....MEN! We pick the wrong ones to throw our entire being into. We give them our all, knowing they do not quite deserve even our efforts on our worst day, and defend our actions to the end. We say to ourselves that these slugs have potential, and if we could just give them that gentle nudge and a chance, we will get a return on our investment. That man is gonna love me forever and treat me right! I will be the envy of all my friends.....ALL LIES~!
She and I were talking about our plight after she and her live in had been going thru some things. She shared that he (let's call him Al) had said that she was too harsh because when he said that he should just leave (meaning, move out), she didn't try to stop him. Instead, she said, "If that's what you think is best". Al couldnt believe it and got all bent out of shape because she didn't throw herself at his feet and beg him to stay (as his ex-wife would have done). Toni gently reminded him that she was not going to argue or beg, and if he had been thinking about it, then he should do what he believed best.
Now, I agree with Toni. I do not beg, I do not argue. I know that the pool is bad but hey....I still have my dignity. I know my worth. Toni knows her worth. We have standards which do not include begging and crying at someone's feet.
I began to think and think and think some more. And when I finished thinking...I was mortified. OMG! I'm a MAN!
Think about it....I do everything that a man would do (other than sex) for myself. I have been told by more than one man that I don't need them and that I was intimidating. One even went as far to as to look at my house, my car, and the way I carry myself and told me that he couldn't afford me. Wow!
I have a house and have been in it 5 years with no help. Now I am struggling, but that's not apparent from the outside looking in. I have a car. Its old, but it is a luxury car. From the outside looking in, I'm winning once again. My daughter is always looking good, and I look decent myself. Strike 3 - next batter! If there is something wrong with my car, I take it in. If my daughter wants to go somewhere, I figure it out. My hair is done ($200 braids with no less than $150 worth of hair in my head). My jell nails are done. I have a Harley. I do this all on my own. I don't ask for help (well, unless its my sis or best friend). I make this all look easy. My baby daddy asks me for loans all the time and I give them to him (they turn out to be gifts cuz he doesn't give them back). I take care of nephew jailbird like its my responsibility. OMG! I am a man!
I had become a man right before my own eyes. I had decided not to be dependant. I had decided not to flutter my eyelashes at any and every man I saw wthout a ring on his left hand. I had decided that I would not run around in heels at a motorcycle event and just wear riding boots. I had decided that I would not put on a full face of makeup on a 100+ degree day in Fresno. If they don't like it, screw it. I had decided that I would not give those only wanting sex the time of day. I had decided that I would not date beneath me. OMG....I had become a man!
I know that in my day and age, young girls were raised to grow up and finda a husband to take care of you. Now, we were told to get an education, however, it was always expected that we would utilize our skills to suplement the main income of the household -- not to be the sole income or breadwinner. I had done the exact opposite. I had not found a husband and I made all the money with I actually had a man. I was actually the man! Every major decision - Mine! Every major expense - Mine!
I also realized that I would stand up to just about anybody. I would not allow a man to tell me what to do or where to go. I observed that a lot of those women that I say "I'm way better than that" have men and I don't. Its because they cater to the men's egos. They do not make waves, they do not talk back. They do not render an intelligent opinion. I just can't be that.
I've got some updates, because I met someone that does not mind that mentally, I will have to go through the transgender process. So more to follow on that (I will blog about my birthday). I am please to announce that I have entered the process and I am getting thru the steps swiftly. But I just wanted to ensure that my sisters here had the key signs.
So ladies...just watch yourselves. It's easy to catch...but not so easy to get rid of (especially here in Fresno).
Until tomorrow...
T
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