Boomerang!

Ok All...

Its been a while since I have sat down to write. Mainly, because I have not had anything to write about. My life is D-E-A-D. This is a strange new world for me because since I turned 40, I have been fabulously off the hook. But, due to family reponsibilities (Dad is ill), I have had to turn it down a notch or two. Anyhow....I have a burning question in my mind and on my heart, and I, the eldest, do not know this answer. I need your oracles of love to look beyond the forest to see the trees on this one...

Why is it that we....ok...let me start over. Why is it that I have traditionally had a hard time saying no when an Ex contacts me and wants to be a part of my life again. It doesn't matter if it ended badly; abruptly; quickly---I'm mean New York minute quickly; or with a mutual understanding and agreement to remain friends --- somehow, it feels "safe" and I am usually willing to "give it a whirl" if they have the least bit of potential entertainment value.

This makes me so mad at myself. I promise to never look back. But that dog-gone ego of mine says everytime, "Go for it Tray....they have_________(fill in the blank) and you could used some ____________(fill in the blank)." Now, these blanks are not necessisarily tangible. It could be that they are funny (either intentially or not), and I could use a laugh. It could be that they have a spa bathtub and I need a spa. It could be because they are really good dancers, and I want to dance. Or it could be because they are or have all of the above, and I am feeling like I deserve that. I don't know what it is, but I always consider giving it one more try...

Now, if I am alone in this, just tell me and I will slap myself, for myself and try to work this out. But if this is not just a Tracy thing, please take me out of my misery and let me know.

Why do I come out of hibernation and ask this.....I thought you'd never ask.

I told you about my guys: Biker Chef (He's just too far away---rats!); Bay Area Fatboy (oh brother....he still loves me tho!); Fresno Fatboy (He just needs to get a wife so he can get laid and have someone cook for him); Texas Hold 'Em (He needs to remember he was poor once and that I was there to witness the poverty); and Damaged Goods (He didn't want to breathe the same air as his now Ex-wife). Well......They're baaaaccccck! (kinda -- with the exception of Biker Chef...He's busy working on his restuarant).

Bay Area Fatboy was down here in GFF (that stands for God Forsaken Fresno) a couple weeks back. He called about a month ahead and said that he wanted to see me...you know...blah-blah-blah. He always remineses about the good ol days and how he does not know why he left me go. (How about to make 3 babies with your child bride/girlfriend? Does that ring a bell?) Anyhow, I was not available. My ex/baby-daddy (hahahah -- I love calling him that) came down for Tia's softball tournament and we were spectating on saturday. He did an up and down trip, but BAF didn't need to know that. He quickly ASSUMED that I was not available to him because of Baby Daddy/Family time. The truth is: I am just not available to him. Period...end of story. He keeps calling out of genuine concern. I mostly ignore his calls because I know there will be much bullshit on the other end if I let it get that far. I do not wish to be his sounding board with he and the child bride issues. I just want him to go away....after all, it's been over 10yrs since we were together. I want him to get over it...but the minute I think he can offer me some sort of entertainment, I crack the door, and he pushes on thru! My fault? Yes!

Fresno Fat Boy (FFB): He came to my rescue this weekend. I had to go out of town; my house was burgularized on Friday, and I didn't have a window yet (boarded up like the projects). So.,...FFB brought a Pit Bull to house sit in my back yard. He even cleaned up the mess. He has been calling about once a week to check on me and my dad situation...but it's not without a lil plug that we don't have sex and he is waiting on me to come to my senses and give him some (ROFL). This is the joker that asked me about 9 months ago if I were having sex with anyone else AFTER he and I stopped talking for about 5 months. Of course, I told him the truth and he got all bent out of shape, let me out of his truck, then peeled off out of the Starbucks parking lot. What a bozo! But still....this bozo had a lil $$$$ and I need that security. I'm not getting any younger and the way I like to spend, I need a sponsor....so....FFB to the rescue. The problem: He's so boring I could die! I would have to cheat on him, and he is so paranoid of being cheated on (his ex cheated and he got a PI during the divorce) that I would have to be Wonder Woman to pull it off! So there's that ... Why am I giving this a 2nd thought? I DONT KNOW!!!

Texas Hold Em: He and I have history. The problem: He has a present which includes a wife; 3 kids (none by the wife); 2 baby mama's; he a big time republican and I am not; he's short and has "the syndrome"; and did I mention he was married with 3 kids and 2 baby mama's? I did? Oh...ok.

He pledges undying love during every phone call since I told him to hit the road. Now, he is trying to get rid of wife, baby mama's, but not the kids (I'm sorry....I don't want lil kids, especially if they aren't related to me...I know it sounds mean, but that's where I am). I am just thinking....Will you be able to afford me if you sever your ties with these 3 women? More to follow on him.....

Damaged Goods: Damaged Goods is healing! I am so happy for him. We went out about a month ago and had a really good time. He is actually a lot of fun. Problem: Ex wife has him suspicious of everything....and I am a hot number when I am in the bay. His suspicions are probably accurate. He is still in the Bay Area -- in Discovery Bay no less...so that's not exactly the most happening place to live.

Ok....so why do I return!?!?! Should I be running the other way? Please help!